Parenting can be a challenging journey, especially when dealing with children who have “big feelings.” These emotions can be intense and overwhelming, both for the child experiencing them and the parent trying to manage them. Traditional power-control methods often lead to conflicts and stress, making it crucial to adopt a problem-solving approach that fosters connection, collaboration, and mutual respect. This guide will explore effective strategies for integrating everyone’s feelings and needs, giving yourself credit for the work well done, and balancing the needs of parents and children.

Understanding and Validating Emotions

Recognizing and validating your child’s feelings is crucial. When children feel understood, they are more likely to engage positively. You can start by acknowledging their emotions:

• “I see that you’re feeling upset right now. Can you tell me what’s bothering you?”
• “It sounds like you’re frustrated because things aren’t going your way.”

This approach creates a safe space for open communication and helps manage big feelings effectively. Learn more about emotion regulation from the American Psychological Association.

Collaborative Problem Solving

Collaborative problem-solving (CPS) is an effective approach for addressing challenging behaviors by involving your child in the decision-making process. This method focuses on empathy, defining adult concerns, and brainstorming solutions together. For more on CPS, you can explore the Think website(Thinkkids.)

Practical Steps for Problem Solving

A structured problem-solving process can guide children through their emotions and challenges. Here’s a simplified five-step process that can be adapted to various situations:

1. Identify the Problem: Help your child articulate the issue clearly.
2. Brainstorm Solutions: Encourage them to come up with multiple potential solutions.
3. Evaluate Solutions: Discuss the pros and cons of each solution.
4. Choose a Solution: Decide on the best solution together.
5. Test the Solution: Implement the chosen solution and see how it works( Verywell Family)and(Big Life Journal).

Positive Reinforcement and Attention

Positive reinforcement can be more effective than negative attention. Praising children for good behavior encourages them to repeat it, and actively ignoring minor misbehaviors can reduce their occurrence over time. More insights on this approach are available at the “Child Mind Institute.”

Avoiding Power Struggles

Exerting power and control can keep kids in place but often leads to resistance and conflict. Instead, focus on problem-solving and collaboration. Allow your child the freedom to express their thoughts and feelings, and involve them in decision-making:

Conversation with my teenage daughter

Before (Power and Control Approach):

Liz: “Get up, dress up, and let’s go outside.”

Abi: “No.”

Liz: “Get dressed to go outside and play.”

Abi: “No, I am not going outside.”

After (Problem-Solving Approach):

Liz: “Abi, what’s going on today?”

Abi: “I am angry. I am told to go outside and play when I do not feel like going out.”

Liz: “Okay, it is stuffy inside, and you need some cool air outside, it helps.”

Abi: “Okay, I will go outside briefly and come in as quick as possible.”

Liz: “That’s okay with me. A little walk outside will do more good to your body system.”

This problem-solving model leads to more productive conversations, with your child feeling heard and respected.

Building Relationships Through Connection and Collaboration

A strong parent-child relationship is built on mutual respect, connection, and collaboration. By involving your child in decision-making processes, you empower them to express their needs and opinions:

• “What do you think we should do this weekend? Let’s plan something we both enjoy.”
• “How can we make your study time more effective and fun? Let’s brainstorm some ideas together.”

Such conversations not only help in decision-making but also strengthen your bond.

This summer, my teenage daughter, Abi, often resisted going outside to play, instead, she wanted to be on her phone and computer. Initially, I approached the situation with a power-control mindset, which led to stress and conflict. However, when I shifted to a problem-solving approach, our conversations became more productive, and Abi was more willing to cooperate. One day, after discussing her reluctance to go outside, she agreed to take a short walk, and she ended up spending more time outside than usual. This change in approach not only resolved the immediate issue but also improved our overall relationship.

Parenting with a problem-solving approach, rather than exerting power and control, fosters a healthier and more respectful relationship with your child. By integrating everyone’s feelings and needs, giving yourself credit, and balancing parental and children’s needs, you can navigate the challenges of parenting kids with big feelings more effectively. Remember, the goal is to connect, collaborate, and build a strong relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.